


Somebody Save Me, I Think I'm In-

by Ffwydriad



Series: Just The Same But, You Know, Completely Different [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Asexual Natasha Romanov, Character Study, Developing Relationship, Eventual Romance, F/M, Love, Natasha Romanov-centric, Not True Love tho, Other, POV Natasha Romanov, Past Clint Barton/Bobbi Morse, Romance, Still Love with a capital L, less than the others tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 13:06:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6755230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ffwydriad/pseuds/Ffwydriad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"Love is for children." She told him, once. </i>
</p><p><i>"When were you ever a child?" He asks in reply. </i><br/> <br/>She has fallen in love before. It never seems to end well, but maybe, maybe this time will be different.</p><p>/Standalone but part of the JtSbD AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	Somebody Save Me, I Think I'm In-

"You like him." Clint says, stepping up to where Natasha sits on a balcony, sharpening her knives, watching as Banner and Stark work. 

 

"I don't like anyone." Natasha says in false gruffness, which fades away quickly. "No. I like everyone on the team, Clint. You know this."

 

"No, you  _like_ like him." Clint tells her, as if the repetition of the word adds any meaning at all. "Natasha, do you have a crush on the Hulk?"

 

"I have no idea what you're talking about." She deadpans. "I have no clue where you get these sorts of ideas, Clint. Not everyone has to jump to relationships like you do."

 

"Are you - was that a joke about Bobbi?" He asks. "Not cool, Natasha. See if I help you figure out how to deal with your crush on Dr. Banner then."

 

"Like I need your help." Natasha retorts, and she slashes the knife in her hand where Clint is standing. He dodges it without any trouble.

 

"So you admit to the crush?" He says, and she realizes her mistake, eyes widening. 

 

"What! No!" Natasha says the words a bit to fast. "You know what I always say. Love is for children."

 

"When were you ever a child, Nat?" He asks, and vanishes back in to the shadows from whence he came.

 

* * *

 

 

Here's the thing that she starts to realize as she finds herself less surveilling her teammates and more watching from a distance the way Bruce Banner moves. It's not just his appearance, but the light in his eyes, the smile. She has heard this man speak of placing a gun in his own mouth and pulling the trigger, yet he pulls everyone around him up as well.

 

At first, she just thinks she wants to be like him. It isn't exactly surprising, she watches so many people and steals their traits for later use. But this isn't it. She's not watching the way he fidgits, quite, she focuses on inane details that make no tactical sense but that she still enjoys noticing. 

 

"I hate you," She mutters, but she knows Clint is right. From the first time they met and he told her she was worth saving, he's always been right and it's infuriating. How can someone so idiotically stupid be so smart?

 

He's right nonetheless. She is in love with Bruce Banner.

 

The only question is, how to go about it.

 

* * *

 

 

First step - volunteer for the lullaby initiative.

  
No, that's a lie, she would have done it anyways. The Lullaby is a program they need to have in place if they want to run the team efficiently, and she knows she's the only one who could actually pull it off. 

 

Still, you know, it helps create a bond. Her studies have shown that love is just physical closeness with time. 

 

Okay, maybe it's a little bit manipulative.

 

But she knows how to get super manipulative, so does that really even matter? Maybe. But what really matters is the fact that she doesn't actually know how to deal with crushes. She has seen people fall in love, and she has seen the movies Clint keeps making her watch - she asks him what it's like and he shrugs, and this is the man who was married for years.

 

Oh well. Banner could use a friend, and so could she. So what if her motives are personal? She's discovered that everyone has a personal bias to some extent. 

 

All of that reasoning doesn't stop her from feeling guilty, however.

 

Step number two: become friends with him. Considering that all of her friends up to this point have been assassins, shield agents, and people who spend their free time practicing how to kill stuff, this one might be a bit difficult.

 

Except then he's excitedly showing her science, and sitting next to her on the ride home while she tells him that he didn't hurt anyone, that he is still worth something as a person - the same words she has whispered to others before him, the words others had whispered to her. And maybe some point in there she realizes that he's stopped thinking of her as that shield agent assassin, and started thinking of her as a teammate, as a friend.

 

The third step is to begin flirting.

 

* * *

 

Steve tells her once that she is frightening. "Not in the way you fight," He clarifies, though he admits that is terrifying as well, "But in the way you act on missions. You sound like a spider, most of the time. I mean, you sound like you're having fun."

 

They both have fun, when they fight, it's just that she's spent more of her life as an assassin than as anything else. She doesn't admit it, she'd never admit it, but she never minded the killing. It was the murder that gave her pause. It's a subtle difference but a starkly clear one as well, one that paints her hands red.

 

"You fight like you're flirting." Steve says, as the partnership continues. He's seen her flirt with marks - that's a power game, figuring out what they want and then pretending that's all you are, and he's seen her flirt with people she's about to kill - that isn't even flirting, just fun to be honest, and he's seen her flirt with people in shopping malls and the streets and in bars on sheer whimsy. 

 

He'll tell Bruce, at one point, that's not the way she flirts with him at all.

 

Flirtation when you are a spy is about power. It's like that for normal people too, but with normal people there's more. It's less about setting up who's the predator and the prey, determining the game before it starts, and more about, you know, showing that you like the other person. Apparently. It is difficult to figure out how actual emotions come in to play.

 

She spends hours writing poetry complimenting the line of his jaw and the glint in his eyes and the way his smile makes her want to do anything to see it again. She keeps it all in a book, never handing it over. Instead she leans across the bar and tells him that he's amazing as plainly as she can, which as it turns out is not so plainly at all.

 

* * *

 

 

"Natasha and Bruce, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I" Clint starts, voice sing song, and she shoves him lightly in the face to make him stop. "Hey, you're the one who comes to me for advice."

 

"You are literally the only one I trust has any experience in this sort of thing." Natasha tells him. "You've been married, you have to understand how to woo people."

 

"There was very little wooing involved between me and Bobbi." Clint tells her back. "Tony has almost certainly been married before, even if it was in Vegas, and I'm sure that Thor has some very good advice on relationships."

 

"I am not going to Stark for relationship advice." Natasha says firmly. "And Thor will wax lyrical about nonsense even he doesn't understand. Come on, give me something."

 

"He likes you too, you know." He tells her. 

 

"I know." Natasha says. "And that's the worst part about it."

 

* * *

 

 

In the farmhouse, in her home, he offers that they run away, together. She wants to take him up on that, wants to run off and shed all of her responsibilities. Love makes you feel like that, in a way. Love makes you willing to do most anything.

 

But in the end as soon as he makes the offer, she knows what she is going to do.

 

Bruce never did trust himself. Not around people. She knew in the bottoms of her heart that this would happen, that she couldn't hold on to the good things, that life was conspiring against her - no, not conspiring, that she had fallen for someone who couldn't even love himself, which ruined everything.

 

He asks her to run away. She says yes. But at that moment she is already planning her betrayal. There is a shift in her stance, in her eyes, in her smile, and she can't let the Hulk run away. She will always be the Black Widow first, Natasha second. It's ingrained in to her very mind.

 

So she kisses him for the first time, stares in to his eyes, and lets Natasha fade away in to the background.

 

And she pushes him off the cliff.

 

* * *

 

 

"Did it ever hurt like this?" She asks him. She's been in love before, but all of those times they drifted apart or ended on a sweet if bitter note. This time it is like she has died, her heart ripped out of her chest as Bruce flies out of her grasp for good because she was selfish. Because she was selfless.

 

"No." Clint says. "But this isn't about me. It's about you."

 

"I loved him." She said. "I loved him and it's killing me."

 

"You still love him." Clint tells her somberly. 

 

She does, Natasha realizes. 

 

In the back of her mind, she wonders if he still loves her back.

**Author's Note:**

> ugh i don't really like this but i said i would do it and it is done so whatever
> 
> fun fact: i h/c ace natasha and aro clint barton, yet outside of mcu stuff (where based on canon dates i'm pretty sure they met when natasha was a teenager so ugh) i still ship them. of course, friendship > ship ship
> 
> another fun fact: the only reason i kept the brucenat in the story was for the cliff scene. and so that i could show you how simple a fix the farm scene would have been. this is just rambling meta nonesense tbr
> 
> anyways see you tomorrow! i won't see civil war for a while but i hope it's good. it might be the last marvel movie i see for a while seeing as the current plan is to boycott dr. strange (which all y'all should at least consider the argument towards. and i'm not suggesting pirating it either tho)


End file.
